You Are On Hold

Please Hold

Your inquiry is important to us.

Reginald will be with you shortly.

Reginald is currently reviewing a policy submission for an event that has not occurred yet, consulting with our Philosophical Risk Committee, or explaining to the actuarial team why "unknowable by design" is a valid confidence rating.

Estimated wait time: longer than you'd like, shorter than eternity, though we are working on coverage for that as well.


Music selected by Reginald. Reginald has opinions about music. Reginald considers hold music an opportunity, not an obligation.


When Reginald Is Available

Phone

(312) 555-0291

Hours

Mon–Fri 9:00 AM – 5:00 PM

Closed

Weekends, federal holidays, and any day on which a paradigm-shifting discovery in physics is announced

Meredith

Also available. Meredith handles claims. Meredith is faster to respond than Reginald and does not require a philosophical preamble. Meredith does have voicemail. Meredith checks it.

Reginald does not have voicemail. Reginald considers voicemail an act of optimism about the future, and is professionally skeptical of unhedged optimism about the future. This is, he notes, why you came to us in the first place.

© 1887 – ∞ Eternal Assurance. Est. 1887. Licensed in 0 jurisdictions. Music selected by Reginald.